The Big Leap
Everyone has dreams. I had plans, big plans, to be a nurse, but then realized Science and math aren't my forte and I pass out at the simple sight of a removed mole. Then, I had hopes to be in ministry, particularly Women's ministry someday and to always in every season be around children somehow. My most lofty dream was to be a writer and speaker someday, to create Bible studies and build relationships as a full time job. But, the dream that trumped them all was to be a mom. I wanted with all of my heart to stay at home with my kids until Kindergarten, whatever that took. Before getting married, I told Logan if we have to live in a one room cabin, that's ok, I just want to be with my kids when they are little. Maybe I couldn't give them everything money could buy, but I could give them all my time. Everyone has dreams and convictions. This was mine. He had a calling to work in ministry and I fully supported that and felt called to it myself. To make all dreams and convictions come true, it would take some faith, action, and trust that God wouldn't let us fall.
Fresh out of college, and newly married, when Logan still had a year of school left, I had the surprise of a positive pregnancy test. This was NOT the plan. I had just turned twenty-two a few months before and we were living in a one bedroom apartment in a not so amazing part of town. Wolf spiders surprised us in every nook and cranny of that place. It didn't seem ideal, but I guess a one bedroom apartment was similar to my one room cabin idea? Thankfully, we serve the God of miracles and just like he always does, he blew us away with miracles every step of the way. Two months after Logan's graduation, we welcomed Samuel into the world and came home to a house not infested by wolf spiders, and plenty of space. The only con was our neighbors were very obvious drug dealers. I always said, they were after someone, but it wasn't us! They kind of felt like body guards, as big as they were and as much as they seemed to like us. Miracles come in all sorts of packages!;) We lived a full and beautiful life there.
People have called me lucky to stay at home through the years, and in many ways I am, but I have actually worked really hard to be able to do it. For me it meant no car for a year, consignment sales as a lifeline, early on making concoctions in the crockpot out of whatever we had left over, smaller houses, older cars, some in home babysitting for others and a lot of budgeting. Rhealana of Rhealana's consignment greets me by name every Fall and Spring as I come in to the pre-sale ready to stock up for the season on sizes just a little too big. I don't walk into the uniform consignment sale for school until the hour it is half off, of half off! Kids grow too fast!! :) I have no shame, consignment sales have come a long way! Try them out no matter your budget, trust me! Moms before us didn't have so many resources at their hands.
The first year of Samuel's life I didn't have a car, it wasn't something we could afford at that time. For an extrovert on the go, this was a major test for me. It ended up being such a blessing, because it made me slow down, focus on Samuel, and see God open doors right in front of me. He gave me a neighbor with a baby the same age four doors down who would go on walks with me and have morning coffee dates. There was also a park that was newly renovated and a community center one street over from us. We spent many days at the indoor pool there and enjoying the park. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. I thank God for his provision and sometimes for the seasons where what I thought I needed didn't come. I didn't know that by the time Samuel was thirteen months I would be surprised by a second positive pregnancy test. I didn't know I would be so sick that I would have to move in with my parents and not be able to take care of him for many weeks, sometimes I even struggled to smile at him during my sickest days. My mom was our hero during those days. Samuel has seen her as a second mom ever since. I didn't know we would foster in just a few short years. I didn't know our life was about to be on a roller coaster that didn't seem to slow down. I didn't know how fast the first years would really go. God knew and he gave me a gift when I didn't have a car. And at just the right time, a car was miraculously provided. Houses and cars have always had miracle stories behind them for us. Both the times with them and without them. I will always think of those days as some of the sweetest and best of my life.
It has completely blown me away how doors have opened and closed for us at the perfect times. Jesus, The Good Shepherd, has lead every step of the way. One major way he has lead us is the path for Samuel in his development and schooling. When Samuel was two, he still wasn't speaking and his developmental age was twelve months when he was evaluated at a therapy center. He had had sensory and developmental hurtles from the day he was born. It was a very scary time for me. I didn't know what the future held for him or for us. I didn't know the right paths to take or what was best, but something I realized early on was that I have to accept help when raising him. He has needs that are beyond my capabilities. We had moved to Arkansas by this point and there is a program here called Early Intervention which pays fully for children with therapy needs up until the age of three. They believe that early intervention is key to help children thrive who have developmental delays or needs. These services changed our life! I call our Occupational and Speech therapists our angels. Samuel was held back by sensory problems so much that he wouldn't even play on a playground and at four he still used only one word to answer questions. Life was very frustrating for him before he had the tools to cope and express himself. His brain knew what he wanted to say, but its like the door to say it was locked. It was heartbreaking for both of us. I could see the fear and frustration in his eyes. The world was an overwhelming place for him. It felt the same way for me at that time. A mother feels what her child feels.
I prayed so hard that God would direct our steps, bring us to the right people and to the right places. I felt in my heart that Samuel was capable of more, if he just had the tools to do it. I was encouraged to put him in a full time special needs daycare, but it just didn't feel right. I felt like God was telling me to raise the bar and he will meet it, he just needs help to him get there. If a special needs place was best for him, I wanted that, but what if it wasn't? We continued OT and Speech and saw amazing strides. Samuel learned to cope with sensory problems, they haven't gone completely away, but they don't overwhelm him like they used to.
Samuel has an August birthday and we always knew he would be held back as a boy with a late birthday, despite the developmental stage he was in. The year he turned four, I applied to the school I was an alumni from a year in advance for him to go to pre-k four at age five. It was a shot in the dark for many reasons, a leap of faith, because I wasn't sure if after I told them his background if he would be accepted or if the finances could work. I felt like it was worth the try, and was completely honest and with amazing grace the school let us try it out experimentally in hopes that it would work. Samuel has always been a gentle and obedient soul, so I wasn't worried he would disrupt the class, but I did wonder what a college prep school situation would be like for him. I knew he was smart, if the door could just unlock for him to live up to his potential. He went to pre-k three for one semester when he was four and a half. The day he went for the first time, he still was only using one word responses. For instance, I would say: "Samuel what was your favorite part of the day?" and he would respond: "Ball" or another one word response. He could build his own ideas pretty well, but I hadn't heard my son speak a sentence in response to me and he was four and a half.
The first experimental day of school, I will never forget the life changing moment when Samuel got in the car and I said "How was school?" not expecting much of an answer in response. He excitedly announced: "I love school! And my teachers are my friends!!" I cried with the biggest smile my face could hold. My son could talk!!! It was like the door that had been locked flung open all at once. His teachers every year have trouble believing me that he really wasn't talking just one day before. He has been talking ever since!! Therapy helped unlock the door, but school opened the door for him. He feels a little lost in the Summer, but when school comes around the structure and educational push makes him come alive.
Honestly, I feel a little lost when he is at school. We had a hard time being apart for a full school day. It was really hard on us the first couple of weeks. Tears were shed, mine in secret, his in plain sight. He is now used to it and loving it, but the change is a very big one. I have called myself Mr. Monk's assistant his whole life, but in many ways he has been mine. I miss the boy who goes behind me closing my cabinet doors I leave open and following me with a vacuum. I am an ADD mom with an OCD son. We are a good pair, though! He comes home wanting to practice what he learned that day and stopped watching TV and playing video games when Kindergarten started, because he wants to practice all he has learned. He makes up homework for himself! Meanwhile, I am wondering when we can start the FUN!;) He can be hard on himself, trying to be perfect, but I show him life doesn't have to be so serious.
Kindergarten has been a big leap, the biggest leap we have taken so far. I went from only having him gone three mornings a week and spending most of life with him to having to let go. Quality time over quantity time is my anthem now. Our seasons are changing, my dream and conviction now is to make sure my kids are where they need to be to be all that they were created to be. That looks different for every kid and every family. For us, it means letting go a little bit more. It means taking leaps of faith and allowing other people to pour into my kids lives, alongside with me. I am so thankful for all the people who have come along side me to help my kids thrive. I know that God has a very special design and plan for each of them. He doesn't make mistakes and I cannot wait to see what their futures hold!
As for me, I am spending as much time with Evelyn as possible before she goes to Kindergarten next year. She is only away three mornings a week. Every so often you'll see me around recess, taking in the miracle of Samuel playing on the playground with a smile and enjoying friends. Confidence, not fear beaming from his eyes. You'll find me in the carpool line by 2:30 and home by 3:06 so we don't miss an ounce of afternoon time with Samuel. Ill be building my resume as old dreams stir back up in my heart and hopes to work with Women, children and families from my yet to be used college degree come back to surface. Maybe I will write a Bible study after all! Surely,I didn't go through Bible and theology as the only girl for years for nothing!;) You never know!!
Fresh out of college, and newly married, when Logan still had a year of school left, I had the surprise of a positive pregnancy test. This was NOT the plan. I had just turned twenty-two a few months before and we were living in a one bedroom apartment in a not so amazing part of town. Wolf spiders surprised us in every nook and cranny of that place. It didn't seem ideal, but I guess a one bedroom apartment was similar to my one room cabin idea? Thankfully, we serve the God of miracles and just like he always does, he blew us away with miracles every step of the way. Two months after Logan's graduation, we welcomed Samuel into the world and came home to a house not infested by wolf spiders, and plenty of space. The only con was our neighbors were very obvious drug dealers. I always said, they were after someone, but it wasn't us! They kind of felt like body guards, as big as they were and as much as they seemed to like us. Miracles come in all sorts of packages!;) We lived a full and beautiful life there.
People have called me lucky to stay at home through the years, and in many ways I am, but I have actually worked really hard to be able to do it. For me it meant no car for a year, consignment sales as a lifeline, early on making concoctions in the crockpot out of whatever we had left over, smaller houses, older cars, some in home babysitting for others and a lot of budgeting. Rhealana of Rhealana's consignment greets me by name every Fall and Spring as I come in to the pre-sale ready to stock up for the season on sizes just a little too big. I don't walk into the uniform consignment sale for school until the hour it is half off, of half off! Kids grow too fast!! :) I have no shame, consignment sales have come a long way! Try them out no matter your budget, trust me! Moms before us didn't have so many resources at their hands.
The first year of Samuel's life I didn't have a car, it wasn't something we could afford at that time. For an extrovert on the go, this was a major test for me. It ended up being such a blessing, because it made me slow down, focus on Samuel, and see God open doors right in front of me. He gave me a neighbor with a baby the same age four doors down who would go on walks with me and have morning coffee dates. There was also a park that was newly renovated and a community center one street over from us. We spent many days at the indoor pool there and enjoying the park. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. I thank God for his provision and sometimes for the seasons where what I thought I needed didn't come. I didn't know that by the time Samuel was thirteen months I would be surprised by a second positive pregnancy test. I didn't know I would be so sick that I would have to move in with my parents and not be able to take care of him for many weeks, sometimes I even struggled to smile at him during my sickest days. My mom was our hero during those days. Samuel has seen her as a second mom ever since. I didn't know we would foster in just a few short years. I didn't know our life was about to be on a roller coaster that didn't seem to slow down. I didn't know how fast the first years would really go. God knew and he gave me a gift when I didn't have a car. And at just the right time, a car was miraculously provided. Houses and cars have always had miracle stories behind them for us. Both the times with them and without them. I will always think of those days as some of the sweetest and best of my life.
It has completely blown me away how doors have opened and closed for us at the perfect times. Jesus, The Good Shepherd, has lead every step of the way. One major way he has lead us is the path for Samuel in his development and schooling. When Samuel was two, he still wasn't speaking and his developmental age was twelve months when he was evaluated at a therapy center. He had had sensory and developmental hurtles from the day he was born. It was a very scary time for me. I didn't know what the future held for him or for us. I didn't know the right paths to take or what was best, but something I realized early on was that I have to accept help when raising him. He has needs that are beyond my capabilities. We had moved to Arkansas by this point and there is a program here called Early Intervention which pays fully for children with therapy needs up until the age of three. They believe that early intervention is key to help children thrive who have developmental delays or needs. These services changed our life! I call our Occupational and Speech therapists our angels. Samuel was held back by sensory problems so much that he wouldn't even play on a playground and at four he still used only one word to answer questions. Life was very frustrating for him before he had the tools to cope and express himself. His brain knew what he wanted to say, but its like the door to say it was locked. It was heartbreaking for both of us. I could see the fear and frustration in his eyes. The world was an overwhelming place for him. It felt the same way for me at that time. A mother feels what her child feels.
I prayed so hard that God would direct our steps, bring us to the right people and to the right places. I felt in my heart that Samuel was capable of more, if he just had the tools to do it. I was encouraged to put him in a full time special needs daycare, but it just didn't feel right. I felt like God was telling me to raise the bar and he will meet it, he just needs help to him get there. If a special needs place was best for him, I wanted that, but what if it wasn't? We continued OT and Speech and saw amazing strides. Samuel learned to cope with sensory problems, they haven't gone completely away, but they don't overwhelm him like they used to.
Samuel has an August birthday and we always knew he would be held back as a boy with a late birthday, despite the developmental stage he was in. The year he turned four, I applied to the school I was an alumni from a year in advance for him to go to pre-k four at age five. It was a shot in the dark for many reasons, a leap of faith, because I wasn't sure if after I told them his background if he would be accepted or if the finances could work. I felt like it was worth the try, and was completely honest and with amazing grace the school let us try it out experimentally in hopes that it would work. Samuel has always been a gentle and obedient soul, so I wasn't worried he would disrupt the class, but I did wonder what a college prep school situation would be like for him. I knew he was smart, if the door could just unlock for him to live up to his potential. He went to pre-k three for one semester when he was four and a half. The day he went for the first time, he still was only using one word responses. For instance, I would say: "Samuel what was your favorite part of the day?" and he would respond: "Ball" or another one word response. He could build his own ideas pretty well, but I hadn't heard my son speak a sentence in response to me and he was four and a half.
The first experimental day of school, I will never forget the life changing moment when Samuel got in the car and I said "How was school?" not expecting much of an answer in response. He excitedly announced: "I love school! And my teachers are my friends!!" I cried with the biggest smile my face could hold. My son could talk!!! It was like the door that had been locked flung open all at once. His teachers every year have trouble believing me that he really wasn't talking just one day before. He has been talking ever since!! Therapy helped unlock the door, but school opened the door for him. He feels a little lost in the Summer, but when school comes around the structure and educational push makes him come alive.
Honestly, I feel a little lost when he is at school. We had a hard time being apart for a full school day. It was really hard on us the first couple of weeks. Tears were shed, mine in secret, his in plain sight. He is now used to it and loving it, but the change is a very big one. I have called myself Mr. Monk's assistant his whole life, but in many ways he has been mine. I miss the boy who goes behind me closing my cabinet doors I leave open and following me with a vacuum. I am an ADD mom with an OCD son. We are a good pair, though! He comes home wanting to practice what he learned that day and stopped watching TV and playing video games when Kindergarten started, because he wants to practice all he has learned. He makes up homework for himself! Meanwhile, I am wondering when we can start the FUN!;) He can be hard on himself, trying to be perfect, but I show him life doesn't have to be so serious.
Kindergarten has been a big leap, the biggest leap we have taken so far. I went from only having him gone three mornings a week and spending most of life with him to having to let go. Quality time over quantity time is my anthem now. Our seasons are changing, my dream and conviction now is to make sure my kids are where they need to be to be all that they were created to be. That looks different for every kid and every family. For us, it means letting go a little bit more. It means taking leaps of faith and allowing other people to pour into my kids lives, alongside with me. I am so thankful for all the people who have come along side me to help my kids thrive. I know that God has a very special design and plan for each of them. He doesn't make mistakes and I cannot wait to see what their futures hold!
As for me, I am spending as much time with Evelyn as possible before she goes to Kindergarten next year. She is only away three mornings a week. Every so often you'll see me around recess, taking in the miracle of Samuel playing on the playground with a smile and enjoying friends. Confidence, not fear beaming from his eyes. You'll find me in the carpool line by 2:30 and home by 3:06 so we don't miss an ounce of afternoon time with Samuel. Ill be building my resume as old dreams stir back up in my heart and hopes to work with Women, children and families from my yet to be used college degree come back to surface. Maybe I will write a Bible study after all! Surely,I didn't go through Bible and theology as the only girl for years for nothing!;) You never know!!
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