Looking Back and Dreaming Forward

Bringing in the new year I can't help, but reflect on the past year and even years. My life literally went into the fast lane starting in 2009 when I dated Logan (and had a Hallmark movie year) and got engaged. 2010 I got married to my soul mate (I seriously couldn't imagine anyone better for me), graduated college, and at the very end of it found out I was pregnant. 2011 I spent throwing up, feeling nauseous, going to the emergency room, getting hospitalized for food poisoning, buying a house, and finally all of this brought me my better-than-I-could-have-ever-dreamed-of son! I cannot say enough how much everything was SO worth every single moment of pain and sickness. In the middle of all that I did have good days, such as going to the beach and even tubing on the lake when I was in my last month of pregnancy. I also worked for a few months at a daycare, which is a blur to me now and seems so long ago. One of the best things about 2011 was spending my last months in the stage of marriage when it was just me and Logan. Even though I spent most of it sick we spent that time happily together, enjoying every day and knowing everything was about to change. It was like we could see the sand of time running out and we wanted to make the most of it. I will always treasure those days with him in my heart and I feel like God told me it would be a looooooooooong time before it was just the two of us again. It as a short time just the two of us, but I have hundreds of memories, because we have officially been married 724 days, 2 hours, 39 minutes and 38 seconds. (thank you iphone app)
Our two year anniversary is on Monday~!

I lost my train of thought, as I am prone to do when I can finally write. There is just so much to say. As I sit here thinking about this past year I am overwhelmed by the Lord's kindness, faithfulness, goodness, love....and so much more. When we first found out about Samuel we had no idea how we would afford him or a place to put him and now here I am sitting in a HOUSE with more than enough room for one baby, it is waiting for more. It is our miracle house, literally. ( there is a story of God's provision to go with that!) If I were to have dreamed up my life at age twenty three I would have had no idea it would be filled with this many blessings. My boys...ah, my boys! I cannot even put into words how much Logan and Samuel mean to me, but if I had nothing else in the world I feel like God has blessed me FAR beyond anything I could have ever deserved through them. Nothing prepared me for how much my heart would grow in just three short years.

With the good, there has also been a lot of trials. An entire year of being sick is hard to swallow. I am still struggling with illness. Having a newborn is the best of times and the worst of times. The lack of sleep mixed with the recovery can make anyone go crazy. I went into the doctor for headaches and found out my thyroid levels are messed up. I should find out the diagnosis tomorrow, but have so much unknown in front of me with it. I should not have googled, but I did and found out really horrible things that can happen with a thyroid being messed up. I am just waiting, praying, and hoping for the best. In the midst of everything, I just know that God is FAITHFUL, GOOD, LOVING, KIND, THE HEALER, COMFORTER, AND FRIEND. I have prayed many times for healing and so far sickness keeps coming my way, but I know he works for the good of those who love Him. My happiness outweighs my sickness by far and I am thankful for that. Also, I struggle with fear more than I ever have in my life about my boys. I don't want anything to happen to them and sometimes the fear consumes me and I find myself grieving situations that have not and may not ever happen. It is so hard for me to give them to God and just trust Him with their lives. I have a false impression sometimes that I am in control as long as I keep holding on to fear. I still struggle with this problem, but in the past month God has freed me from SOME of it. I am on a journey to be freed completely. It takes the life out of me. I just love them so much and my sinful nature gets in the way. Even if the worst did happen, God is good and His will is perfect. I HAVE to believe that.

Samuel is showing signs of needing me, so I need to finish quick! I'll start concluding by saying my new year's resolution: James 4:8 "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Purify your hearts and cleanse your hands, you sinners who are double minded." I want to live out that verse this year. Even though my time is limited I want to go deeper in the word than ever and for my relationship with God to grow deeper than I can imagine as I write this right now. I want to know Him so much more by 2013 and to make Him known even if my only opportunity is to make him known to my little family.

I hear unhappy squeals! Gotta go! ;)