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Logan is at youth service tonight and Samuel went to bed at 7:20, so I have time to myself tonight. Crazy. right? ;) I forgot what it was like to have a few hours to myself. I chose to spend the first part of it watching the sunset out our back window in the kitchen talking to God. It got me thinking about home. For a while now I have had this longing in my soul to be somewhere familiar. My house, now that we have lived here a year is familiar, yes, but something inside of me hasn't been able to feel that "ah, im finally where I belong" feeling. I go to Little Rock where I grew up and enjoy time with my family, but I miss the familiarity of my house, bed, sites, and sounds of Kansas City. The trains for one. They are always a faint ghostly background noise no matter where you are. I first found it annoying, but now I find it refreshing. It means I am "home", right? When I am here in Kansas City I long for the familiarity of Little Rock. Hinson Road, Heavenly Ham, everything being in a one mile radius, my lifelong friends, and family. My life feels awkward, unsure of where my heart is, because that is where home is according to the saying.
Life has a funny way of flying by and yet going slow all at once. I look around and think who am I? Where is the Molly I knew only a few short years ago. I am Mom now. I am a wife now. I was single so long and lived life taking care of my everyday needs for so long without a child. Motherhood consumes me and makes me forget once I did other things. Once I thought what do I want to do today? I have no idea what that is like anymore or what it would be like to sleep in. I dont even care. I love it so much! I know it is just a seaons of life that will be consumed this much by serving and giving to another life constantly, but when I look up will I recognize myself? My identity has changed so much...it is literally mind blowing to me.

I thought about these things and got a little sad. The awkward feeling of not fitting in here in Kansas City, but not fitting in Little Rock either. Realizing my identity and who I was is completely changed within the last year and I havent had time to really process it.
Jesus. My Lord. Just a moment with Him gives sense to all of my wonderings...

HE is home. HEAVEN is home. My identity is who I am in Jesus and that never changes with whatever "hat" I am putting on in life. I am still his child, he still takes care of me and holds me close to his heart. I am still vulnerable like I was before, that child who heard the Shepherds voice. The one who sang "I Love You Lord" when she was unsure. I do love you Lord, I do. So, tonight, as I end my writing...Lord, hold me as my happy tears fall and I say "I am finally where I belong."

Comments

  1. noelApril 7, 2012 at 7:15 PM

    Molly, this is beautiful. I love you! Miss you always, my pea in the pod. I'm glad to call our metaphorical pod a home ;) love, Noel.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousApril 7, 2012 at 7:50 PM

    aw Molly that is Beautiful! i completely relate to not feeling "home" at "home" or in Kc, either. although, after my last lil experience - Kc is more "home" than i realized ;) Yes Heaven is our Home and may we always long for it!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. KateApril 11, 2012 at 1:14 PM

    AWW MOLLY!! Just remember that your lifelong friends are your best friends WHEREVER you are! .....And we can come visit! ;) And our kids can be BFF .....in fact lets make them marry each other! Arranged marriages anyone!?!
    Done. ;) love you!

    ReplyDelete

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