The End of Myself
The song "Letting Go" by Steffany Frizzell has seemed to find me in moments I really need it this month. I know the Lord uses music to speak to my soul and help me make sense of things I am also feeling or going through. The words that have struck a chord for me are:
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
I'm letting go, and falling into You
I confess I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies that screamed inside go silent
Fear was no match for your love!!!
IM LETTING GO..."
I am weary, I cannot lie. This month has been like trying to get out to the ocean while wave after wave keeps knocking me down physically and spiritually. It actually all started November 14, almost exactly a month ago to the day. I got convicted to study more about/make an effort to spiritually fast in my life regularly. Its something I am very, very bad at and like to pretend the Bible doesn't say "when" you fast and kind of wish it said "if".;) (Matthew 6:16) I was brought to a Youtube sermon that convicted me and excited me about the power of fasting, but most importantly the depth it brings to your relationship with Christ. I want so badly to grow deeper in my knowledge and experience in relationship with Jesus. It is like oxygen and water to me. I NEED to be in communion with him. I am desperate!! I asked Him a few months ago to give me a hunger for him again and he has really blessed that in incredible ways! The same night I watched that sermon, Logan was at a prayer meeting, Samuel was in bed, and Evelyn was up with me being inspired by another Youtube video of Heidi Baker. She expressed her need for God and constant communion with him. Her eyes teared up with love for God and she spoke so much truth I just wanted to scream halleluiah, I love you too, Jesus!!! :) I sang at the top of my lungs and tears of thankfulness, joy, hope, desperation, and determination all combined into one emotion at the same time! Anything for you God, anything...I just want to know you, Jesus... And my fast started.
That night, Logan came home from the prayer meeting literally looking green. He said he didn't feel right and within the hour he was throwing up. A few hours later, he was up throwing up again and then Evelyn was as well. Samuel had been throwing up off and on for a week, but he never seemed severely sick like they were. The stomach bug is one of my biggest fears and I get emotionally distraught if I see anyone else having to experience it. This fear is stemmed from my very harsh pregnancies for the first twenty weeks. Violent vomiting or being on the verge of it is my full time job day and night for weeks on end. I cannot express to you the psychological wear that does to a person. I get very upset seeing anyone having to experience that sort of feeling even for an hour and here were the three people who mean the most to me going through it! Evelyn got so bad I almost had to take her to the ER, but by the grace of God things began to get better before I had to take her. I was very exposed to it as well and I feared for myself. I begged God to spare me from it and also drank a ton of grape juice which supposedly does something to the ph of your stomach to keep you from getting the bug when exposed. After 24 hours I had not gotten the bug and amazingly it had also been the time I felt called to fast! I believe fasting helped me and it was providential! Everyone was feeling better and just a few days later, we all caught a cold. The babies were miserable and not sleeping as well, so we all became more physically exhausted. In the middle of this I experienced the worst pain of my life in my upper molar. The pain continued to spread and my face started to swell. I had a cyst that needed to removed, but unfortunately it was Thanksgiving and would have to wait. I was on a crazy amount of antibiotics for days and then finally the swelling and pain came down. Right as I felt better it was time to get my mouth operation to remove the cyst which ended up being much worse than I expected! My face is still a little swollen and I have stitches along the whole right side of my upper jaw. I feel uncomfortable and am ready for it to be healed up. I had one day of recovery before I was back into full swing with the babies, both not understanding I can ever be weak. That is tough, going on when you just want to lay in bed. Physical pain is what really knocks me at the knees!We also found out Evelyn has a milk allergy and Samuel's sensory problems are making coat season a nightmare. Our house still needs to be sold in KC and for some reason that was bothering me and giving me more fear than usual as well. It is being rented right now, so it is not the time to have it sold anyway...it just added to my "waves". A lot of these things have kept me from regularly being able to go to Pray Now, which was becoming a really encouraging part of my week and valuable time of prayer. That has felt discouraging...
Why when I was on top of a mountain have things felt so low since? I wrote in my fasting journal another time I felt lead to fast (but failed miserably): "This fast has been a complete failure. I have failed over and over again and given in and given up in, this journal was supposed to be about triumph, not failure." I quickly heard my shepherd's familiar voice(John 10:27 "my sheep hear My voice" and he said "Even in failure, I triumph. In your weakness I am strong. This story is not a story of failure, but about dependence and humility. It is a story about how I do not expect you to be strong, I just expect for you to need me and depend on me. I am the vine, you are the branches...apart from me, you can do nothing."(John 15:5) In the craziness of my day with two babies, these moments are small, but powerful. I had this conversation with Jesus for only a moment before a little voice or cry called for my attention.
I am not sure all the things that go on in the spiritual realm, but after all the waves that came when I decided to do the practice of fasting and praying at the same time more in my life it sure did seem like things got crazy! I do not think it is ironic. I think it shows the power that fasting really has...if I do it. (I am writing this as probably the worst role model in this area by the way) I know there was spiritual warfare and I know the Lord is allowing me to feel weak, but he continues to be my strength. It is not on the mountain top that we are tested, but when the emotions fade and things get tough. My life could also be a LOT worse, so I am beyond grateful for all things that are going RIGHT! It has just been a series of unfortunate events that I know have purpose...but I feel weary. I feel at the end of myself, but tonight I am falling on the one who upholds me. Psalm 54 "The Lord upholds my life!" He never fails. Things will get better and I am growing and learning in the process. My relationship with the Lord is getting deeper, even if in this moment I am just at the end of myself. Its a really good place to be for the Lord to be able to do a beautiful work.
I am not sure if this even ended up making any sense...and I am too tired to know. ;) As usual this is written at a bizarre hour. Goodnight...
"You've brought me to the end of myself
And this has been the longest roadJust when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
I'm letting go, and falling into You
I confess I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies that screamed inside go silent
Fear was no match for your love!!!
IM LETTING GO..."
I am weary, I cannot lie. This month has been like trying to get out to the ocean while wave after wave keeps knocking me down physically and spiritually. It actually all started November 14, almost exactly a month ago to the day. I got convicted to study more about/make an effort to spiritually fast in my life regularly. Its something I am very, very bad at and like to pretend the Bible doesn't say "when" you fast and kind of wish it said "if".;) (Matthew 6:16) I was brought to a Youtube sermon that convicted me and excited me about the power of fasting, but most importantly the depth it brings to your relationship with Christ. I want so badly to grow deeper in my knowledge and experience in relationship with Jesus. It is like oxygen and water to me. I NEED to be in communion with him. I am desperate!! I asked Him a few months ago to give me a hunger for him again and he has really blessed that in incredible ways! The same night I watched that sermon, Logan was at a prayer meeting, Samuel was in bed, and Evelyn was up with me being inspired by another Youtube video of Heidi Baker. She expressed her need for God and constant communion with him. Her eyes teared up with love for God and she spoke so much truth I just wanted to scream halleluiah, I love you too, Jesus!!! :) I sang at the top of my lungs and tears of thankfulness, joy, hope, desperation, and determination all combined into one emotion at the same time! Anything for you God, anything...I just want to know you, Jesus... And my fast started.
That night, Logan came home from the prayer meeting literally looking green. He said he didn't feel right and within the hour he was throwing up. A few hours later, he was up throwing up again and then Evelyn was as well. Samuel had been throwing up off and on for a week, but he never seemed severely sick like they were. The stomach bug is one of my biggest fears and I get emotionally distraught if I see anyone else having to experience it. This fear is stemmed from my very harsh pregnancies for the first twenty weeks. Violent vomiting or being on the verge of it is my full time job day and night for weeks on end. I cannot express to you the psychological wear that does to a person. I get very upset seeing anyone having to experience that sort of feeling even for an hour and here were the three people who mean the most to me going through it! Evelyn got so bad I almost had to take her to the ER, but by the grace of God things began to get better before I had to take her. I was very exposed to it as well and I feared for myself. I begged God to spare me from it and also drank a ton of grape juice which supposedly does something to the ph of your stomach to keep you from getting the bug when exposed. After 24 hours I had not gotten the bug and amazingly it had also been the time I felt called to fast! I believe fasting helped me and it was providential! Everyone was feeling better and just a few days later, we all caught a cold. The babies were miserable and not sleeping as well, so we all became more physically exhausted. In the middle of this I experienced the worst pain of my life in my upper molar. The pain continued to spread and my face started to swell. I had a cyst that needed to removed, but unfortunately it was Thanksgiving and would have to wait. I was on a crazy amount of antibiotics for days and then finally the swelling and pain came down. Right as I felt better it was time to get my mouth operation to remove the cyst which ended up being much worse than I expected! My face is still a little swollen and I have stitches along the whole right side of my upper jaw. I feel uncomfortable and am ready for it to be healed up. I had one day of recovery before I was back into full swing with the babies, both not understanding I can ever be weak. That is tough, going on when you just want to lay in bed. Physical pain is what really knocks me at the knees!We also found out Evelyn has a milk allergy and Samuel's sensory problems are making coat season a nightmare. Our house still needs to be sold in KC and for some reason that was bothering me and giving me more fear than usual as well. It is being rented right now, so it is not the time to have it sold anyway...it just added to my "waves". A lot of these things have kept me from regularly being able to go to Pray Now, which was becoming a really encouraging part of my week and valuable time of prayer. That has felt discouraging...
Why when I was on top of a mountain have things felt so low since? I wrote in my fasting journal another time I felt lead to fast (but failed miserably): "This fast has been a complete failure. I have failed over and over again and given in and given up in, this journal was supposed to be about triumph, not failure." I quickly heard my shepherd's familiar voice(John 10:27 "my sheep hear My voice" and he said "Even in failure, I triumph. In your weakness I am strong. This story is not a story of failure, but about dependence and humility. It is a story about how I do not expect you to be strong, I just expect for you to need me and depend on me. I am the vine, you are the branches...apart from me, you can do nothing."(John 15:5) In the craziness of my day with two babies, these moments are small, but powerful. I had this conversation with Jesus for only a moment before a little voice or cry called for my attention.
I am not sure all the things that go on in the spiritual realm, but after all the waves that came when I decided to do the practice of fasting and praying at the same time more in my life it sure did seem like things got crazy! I do not think it is ironic. I think it shows the power that fasting really has...if I do it. (I am writing this as probably the worst role model in this area by the way) I know there was spiritual warfare and I know the Lord is allowing me to feel weak, but he continues to be my strength. It is not on the mountain top that we are tested, but when the emotions fade and things get tough. My life could also be a LOT worse, so I am beyond grateful for all things that are going RIGHT! It has just been a series of unfortunate events that I know have purpose...but I feel weary. I feel at the end of myself, but tonight I am falling on the one who upholds me. Psalm 54 "The Lord upholds my life!" He never fails. Things will get better and I am growing and learning in the process. My relationship with the Lord is getting deeper, even if in this moment I am just at the end of myself. Its a really good place to be for the Lord to be able to do a beautiful work.
I am not sure if this even ended up making any sense...and I am too tired to know. ;) As usual this is written at a bizarre hour. Goodnight...
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