Facing My Fear

            Some people are horrified by riding in airplanes, snakes, sharks, spiders etc., but for me, one of my biggest fears is the dreaded STOMACH BUG. I wake up sometimes in anxiety and I am just afraid I will feel nauseas, which makes me feel nauseas and turns into a horrible cycle. This fear started after I had two hyperemesis gravitum pregnancies. I think part of me is afraid the stomach bug will come and not leave for months at a time (the reality of my pregnancies), but another part of me just realizes it is really just that awful. It also really hurts my heart when I see other people feeling this horrible feeling and going through something like the stomach bug. I do not wish that feeling on anyone, ESPECIALLY my children.
              Four nights ago, I woke up to my precious daughter screaming in her bed. She had thrown up and it had gotten in her eyes and all over (ill spare the details). I felt shock and my knees going weak, because I was so sad and afraid and sorry all at once. Thankfully, Logan was there to help, because at the time I was not strong. I prayed out loud and especially prayed that no one else would get this. She stayed in good spirits, but it lasted two more days. Unfortunately, my mouth operation for my cyst that had come back was happening the next day and I prayed so hard that Evelyn would be ok. I was discouraged, because my prayers were not being answered how I had hoped they would be with my cyst as well. The Lord brought me to Psalm 34 when I was in a desperate state and asking him to please bless me with a verse that would miraculously help me in these moments.

I will bless the Lord AT ALL TIMES;
    his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
    let the humble hear and be glad.
 Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
    and let us exalt his name together!

 I sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and DELIVERED FROM ALL MY FEARS.

 

            The day after Evelyn finished the stomach bug, I was headed in for my mouth operation on the cystic tissue that had come back. Everything went smoothly and I slept the whole day. The next day, I spent a glorious day at home by myself for the first time in ages, while the kids had a really happy day with my mom and Nana going to see the daffodils at Wye Mt. There was no sign of sickness, just happiness and a smooth recovery for me (chipmunk cheek was my only symptom). I was so happy, carefree, and felt like this trial was much smaller than I thought it would be. I was thankful. The babies were dropped off at 5:30 and at 6 pm out of nowhere, Samuel starts throwing up....everywhere and every fifteen minutes for several hours. My bliss turned into turmoil in a matter of minutes. "I WILL BLESS THE LORD AT ALL TIMES, I WILL BLESS THE LORD AT ALL TIMES. GOD YOU ARE GOOD, I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD." is what I kept saying in mind. Samuel wanted me to hold him and no fear of mine would keep me from that. I felt so much anxiety as every fifteen minutes vomit would be all around me and I saw my son suffering. "I will deliver you from your fears" I kept hearing the Lord say to me through Psalm 34. We were able to get some medicine for Samuel that helped him through the night, but then I woke up in the middle of the night feeling really sick. In the past, when I would feel sick I would not focus on God at all. I would just get anxious and let my fears and suffering of the moment control me. This was the fist time I praised the Lord in the midst of it. I felt him near and I felt free. I am so thankful he gave me that Psalm to literally cling to with all my might this week.
The verse does not say "he will deliver me from all circumstances that I am afraid of, that I don't think I can bear" BUT it does say he will deliver me FROM my fear. He also reminded me that I am to exalt him in every circumstance and I was convicted that lately if my prayers were not answered how I had hoped they would be, that I would be upset with God. The Psalm goes on to say :
Those who look to him are radiant,
    and their faces shall never be ashamed.
⁶ This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
    and saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps
    around those who fear him, and delivers them.

⁸ Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
    Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

 

The Lord is good and he is my refuge in the storm. He has helped me to face one of my worst fears this week and given us grace to make it through. I do not even know if this battle is over, but I will bless the Lord in my circumstance and be grateful that things are not worse. When my prayers are not answered how I hope for them to be, God is still at work, just in another way.

 

 Leaning On The Everlasting Arms- hymn by Elisha Hoffman
 

 

1. What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms;
   What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms.
   
   • Refrain:
     Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
     Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.
2. Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms;
   Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms.
3. What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms?
   I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms