UNCONDITIONAL
I write to you, humbled, by the grace of my amazing Lord, who in his absolute goodness and loving kindness has allowed me to go through trials this year that have changed me for the better.
I have wanted to write for a while, about the journey Jesus has taken me on, but every time I would try to share, he kept telling me "The story isn't over...wait to share this testimony, because I have an even better ending for it, dear one." Tonight, I am wide awake feeling like He is saying, its time, at least for this portion. :) I pray He gives me the words to describe what He has shown me through this year, because it is too beautiful for what I have vocabulary for.
When we moved to Little Rock, we had a lot of confirmation that we were supposed to come here and all the doors were opened, except for the fact we still had a house in KC. After a few months of it being on the market, we had a couple ask to rent our house for a year and we prayed about it and felt like it was the right thing to do. My older brother, Zach, had allowed us to move into his house as renters until our house sold in KC, while he had moved to OKC for a short term business venture instead of selling his house like originally planned. His house has been the biggest blessing, in the best location- right by my parents and grandparents;)! It was the key to the puzzle of making coming here a possibility as well. When we bought our house in KC, it was a total miracle house for us as I was pregnant with Samuel living in a one bed room apartment, unsure of how we could afford life at all with Logan still in school until May and Samuel was due in August! Our life has been a miracle after another miracle! Looking back, I am just astounded at the faithfulness of God in our life. So, I believed that God would work a miracle as we left the house as well. This time, though, instead of everything going smoothly like buying the house, it seemed like the trial that would never end. Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I was so confused by what was happening. When the renters were out, we were stuck with paying for two lives, which was the least ideal situation and made life extra hard. Month after month, no offer whatsoever came and no bad feed back either with our house priced at the lowest number. I prayed, prayed, prayed and...nothing.
In the midst of the financial and spiritual hardship of the house still being in our name, I was struggling with my health. I had three surgeries on my jaw between November and May. I was in so much pain when my mandible and cheek were being eroded by the antibiotic resistant bug, that I literally wanted to die. I just thought if I have to live every day in this kind of pain, I don't want to live at all. No one knew what to do and pain medicine was not helping, or a long term option for me as a mom of children. I wouldn't ever take a narcotic alone with my children. I was also sad that I could not be the mom, friend, wife etc. I wanted to be either. I am not saying this to make you feel bad for me, but to be honest. I am known as the girl who always smiles (I have heard that for many years) and I do not think it is fair to others to think that someone really smiles all the time. I get very weak, very broken, very discouraged, and I definitely do not always exude great faith or character. In fact, this past Spring I was only a shell of the person I wanted to be. I did not even recognize myself or my heart. I was so negative, scared, mad, doubtful, far from God and faithless. During this time, my family and friends rallied in prayer for me and gave me a LOT of grace and forgiveness. For that I am *tearfully* grateful. :*) I also, was adopted by a group of women of all ages at The Summit Church in a prayer group that warred in prayer for me and helped support me during this time emotionally, financially, and spiritually. They were and are a miraculous intervention at the perfect time that has helped build me back to the faith-filled, joyful, daughter of the King I so desperately wanted to be again. (Thank you, beautiful women of God. I pray I can be as much of a blessing to you as you have been to me. Even the ones I have never met in person who have still prayed for me) By June, I was feeling much better and was excited to spend the Summer at the pool with my kids! During the Summer, I was enjoying life to the extra fullest now that I felt good again and we made sure every day of Summer was not wasted. I will remember 2014 Summer forever as a special gift from God to bring me back to LIFE as I got to enjoy playing with the CUTEST KIDS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, Samuel and Evelyn Bloom!:)))
I had so much fun during the days, but every night as I was about to go to bed I would feel the weight of the house being on the market and not selling. I had no idea what our living situation would be in the coming months or how everything would work out. The longer it was on the market, the more bitter I became at God. I felt like a fool, because I really thought we had followed him this far and now he just didn't seem to be showing up.I did not feel like praying very much, since it did not seem to be changing anything anyway. I said, "Lord, please teach me everything I am supposed to learn in this, if the situation is not going to change. You are my path, I have nowhere else to turn. Please, please give me a glimpse into your higher purposes and increase my faith. In these trials, refine me like gold by the fire."
My life's prayer and the wish I pray at my birthday every year is that I would do the will of God to the fullest extent no matter the cost and that I would love HIM wholeheartedly, seeking His face all the days of my life." I so desperately want to love God above all else. I want to do His will no matter the cost... and then when things get uncomfortable I cave. I want to pray this heart's cry sipping tea, laying in a down comforter bed decorated like Pinterest, feeling no pain and having every comfort this world has to offer too. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I am not even faithful to my own true desires, but the amazing thing is that God is FAITHFUL to answer my deepest prayer, even when I kick and scream about how it is making me uncomfortable. When I am faithless, HE is faithful. Throughout this year of trial, I was forced to face idols in my life I did not even know existed. I worshiped the idol of comfort. I worshiped the idol of money. I thought my faith and happiness depended on having money in the bank, even if it was just a little extra that made me feel false security. If my bank account got humbly low, my faith and security were humbly low. There was one month we budgeted and realized if we tithed that there was no way ends were going to meet. Logan said to me "we have to rush our tithe to church as fast as we can and trust the Lord". That Sunday, I wrote a letter to money and broke up with it. I said, you do not define how much faith I have, you do not define my security and I am saying goodbye the control I let you have in my life. I also wrote a letter to the Lord and asked him to be rightfully placed back on His throne where money had moved in. That week, side jobs opened up for Logan and provision came in other ways very unexpectedly! The Lord confirmed to me quickly, that breaking up with money and obeying his word to tithe was the right thing to do.:)
I had faced the idol of money and the idol of comfort. The more idols that were torn down, the closer to God I felt. Peace and joy would fill my heart as one thing after another was losing its power in my life and I realized I started seeing everything through new eyes. Romans 12:12 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Aha! The key to discern God's will, and that was in line with the desire of my heart to do God's will to the fullest extent. As one piece of the puzzle came together, I was realizing that HE was answering my prayers on a deeper level than I even imagined. He was changing me on a heart level and drawing me ever closer to Himself. BUT, there was still ONE more idol that he wanted me to tear down in this season: MY HEALTH. I was feeling freer by the day and so happy. I went to the trampoline park over and over jumping so hard and high enjoying every heart racing movement. I had missed exercising, since my face would become swollen if I ever tried to work out hard. Out of what seemed to be nowhere, one night I noticed my face felt swollen. I could not believe my swelling and pain was coming back! In the past, I would sink into a depression and become faithless, but this time I told the Lord I wanted to be faith filled. Even in the worst pain, I did not want to wish my life away like I had just months before. I wanted to be found faithful.1 Peter 1:7 "so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." Even though in pain, this time He gave me the strength I ASKED for! And incredibly, when I thought I had another resistant bug that was going to erode my body, I found out it was just nerve problems from scar tissue growing back over the nerve. I do have a surgery most likely in the future, but I feel so much peace!!!!!
(wow it is 2:30 am...im going to try to finish up!)
Well, to try and wrap up, long story short....The Lord hinted to me that soon, this time of testing was going to come to an end. I knew he meant the house. It was my original idol. I even told the Lord before a Beth Moore conference that I had no idea how I would have a good time and get closer to Him when He still has not sold the house! I heard Him gently say back to me "Is your love for me conditional? If I withhold selling the house, will you withhold yourself from me?" The words stung my heart so deep. My heart's desire was to love God wholeheartedly, right? I realized in that moment that my love for God was conditional. I starting crying and just said out loud "Lord, I want to be UNCONDITIONAL in my love for you! I am SO sorry I did not see it until now. I love you conditionally...and in your incredible goodness you allowed me to feel this discomfort to realize I was loving you based on what you did for me instead of genuine unconditional love for you. PLEASE. give me unconditional love for you, Lord. THANK YOU FOR NOT ANSWERING MY PRAYERS HOW I EXPECTED, THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING MY TRUEST HEART'S DESIRE AND THAT IS TO LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING. He showed me also that NOTHING that he allows in my life for my harm, but is for my GOOD! Even the worst trials of this life or what evil means to destroy are impossible to not end up for my good! This is a mind blowing truth the Lord is sealing on my heart." Thank you, Jesus. Thank you...
Romans 8:28
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
OH YEAH AND I FORGOT TO MENTION...OUR HOUSE GOT AN OFFER;) OF COURSE, AFTER ALL THIS :*) He let me feel desperate, he let me feel pain, he let my prayers not be answered how I had hoped, so that HE COULD PROVE HIMSELF FAITHFUL AND TRUE. I am amazed at his grace and patience with someone like me. I feel His spirit renewing my mind and I write to you humbled, because now I know more than ever that HE is the one giving me the strength to even love HIM past my flesh. I love you Lord, my strength. Thank you...
I have wanted to write for a while, about the journey Jesus has taken me on, but every time I would try to share, he kept telling me "The story isn't over...wait to share this testimony, because I have an even better ending for it, dear one." Tonight, I am wide awake feeling like He is saying, its time, at least for this portion. :) I pray He gives me the words to describe what He has shown me through this year, because it is too beautiful for what I have vocabulary for.
When we moved to Little Rock, we had a lot of confirmation that we were supposed to come here and all the doors were opened, except for the fact we still had a house in KC. After a few months of it being on the market, we had a couple ask to rent our house for a year and we prayed about it and felt like it was the right thing to do. My older brother, Zach, had allowed us to move into his house as renters until our house sold in KC, while he had moved to OKC for a short term business venture instead of selling his house like originally planned. His house has been the biggest blessing, in the best location- right by my parents and grandparents;)! It was the key to the puzzle of making coming here a possibility as well. When we bought our house in KC, it was a total miracle house for us as I was pregnant with Samuel living in a one bed room apartment, unsure of how we could afford life at all with Logan still in school until May and Samuel was due in August! Our life has been a miracle after another miracle! Looking back, I am just astounded at the faithfulness of God in our life. So, I believed that God would work a miracle as we left the house as well. This time, though, instead of everything going smoothly like buying the house, it seemed like the trial that would never end. Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I was so confused by what was happening. When the renters were out, we were stuck with paying for two lives, which was the least ideal situation and made life extra hard. Month after month, no offer whatsoever came and no bad feed back either with our house priced at the lowest number. I prayed, prayed, prayed and...nothing.
In the midst of the financial and spiritual hardship of the house still being in our name, I was struggling with my health. I had three surgeries on my jaw between November and May. I was in so much pain when my mandible and cheek were being eroded by the antibiotic resistant bug, that I literally wanted to die. I just thought if I have to live every day in this kind of pain, I don't want to live at all. No one knew what to do and pain medicine was not helping, or a long term option for me as a mom of children. I wouldn't ever take a narcotic alone with my children. I was also sad that I could not be the mom, friend, wife etc. I wanted to be either. I am not saying this to make you feel bad for me, but to be honest. I am known as the girl who always smiles (I have heard that for many years) and I do not think it is fair to others to think that someone really smiles all the time. I get very weak, very broken, very discouraged, and I definitely do not always exude great faith or character. In fact, this past Spring I was only a shell of the person I wanted to be. I did not even recognize myself or my heart. I was so negative, scared, mad, doubtful, far from God and faithless. During this time, my family and friends rallied in prayer for me and gave me a LOT of grace and forgiveness. For that I am *tearfully* grateful. :*) I also, was adopted by a group of women of all ages at The Summit Church in a prayer group that warred in prayer for me and helped support me during this time emotionally, financially, and spiritually. They were and are a miraculous intervention at the perfect time that has helped build me back to the faith-filled, joyful, daughter of the King I so desperately wanted to be again. (Thank you, beautiful women of God. I pray I can be as much of a blessing to you as you have been to me. Even the ones I have never met in person who have still prayed for me) By June, I was feeling much better and was excited to spend the Summer at the pool with my kids! During the Summer, I was enjoying life to the extra fullest now that I felt good again and we made sure every day of Summer was not wasted. I will remember 2014 Summer forever as a special gift from God to bring me back to LIFE as I got to enjoy playing with the CUTEST KIDS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, Samuel and Evelyn Bloom!:)))
I had so much fun during the days, but every night as I was about to go to bed I would feel the weight of the house being on the market and not selling. I had no idea what our living situation would be in the coming months or how everything would work out. The longer it was on the market, the more bitter I became at God. I felt like a fool, because I really thought we had followed him this far and now he just didn't seem to be showing up.I did not feel like praying very much, since it did not seem to be changing anything anyway. I said, "Lord, please teach me everything I am supposed to learn in this, if the situation is not going to change. You are my path, I have nowhere else to turn. Please, please give me a glimpse into your higher purposes and increase my faith. In these trials, refine me like gold by the fire."
My life's prayer and the wish I pray at my birthday every year is that I would do the will of God to the fullest extent no matter the cost and that I would love HIM wholeheartedly, seeking His face all the days of my life." I so desperately want to love God above all else. I want to do His will no matter the cost... and then when things get uncomfortable I cave. I want to pray this heart's cry sipping tea, laying in a down comforter bed decorated like Pinterest, feeling no pain and having every comfort this world has to offer too. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I am not even faithful to my own true desires, but the amazing thing is that God is FAITHFUL to answer my deepest prayer, even when I kick and scream about how it is making me uncomfortable. When I am faithless, HE is faithful. Throughout this year of trial, I was forced to face idols in my life I did not even know existed. I worshiped the idol of comfort. I worshiped the idol of money. I thought my faith and happiness depended on having money in the bank, even if it was just a little extra that made me feel false security. If my bank account got humbly low, my faith and security were humbly low. There was one month we budgeted and realized if we tithed that there was no way ends were going to meet. Logan said to me "we have to rush our tithe to church as fast as we can and trust the Lord". That Sunday, I wrote a letter to money and broke up with it. I said, you do not define how much faith I have, you do not define my security and I am saying goodbye the control I let you have in my life. I also wrote a letter to the Lord and asked him to be rightfully placed back on His throne where money had moved in. That week, side jobs opened up for Logan and provision came in other ways very unexpectedly! The Lord confirmed to me quickly, that breaking up with money and obeying his word to tithe was the right thing to do.:)
I had faced the idol of money and the idol of comfort. The more idols that were torn down, the closer to God I felt. Peace and joy would fill my heart as one thing after another was losing its power in my life and I realized I started seeing everything through new eyes. Romans 12:12 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Aha! The key to discern God's will, and that was in line with the desire of my heart to do God's will to the fullest extent. As one piece of the puzzle came together, I was realizing that HE was answering my prayers on a deeper level than I even imagined. He was changing me on a heart level and drawing me ever closer to Himself. BUT, there was still ONE more idol that he wanted me to tear down in this season: MY HEALTH. I was feeling freer by the day and so happy. I went to the trampoline park over and over jumping so hard and high enjoying every heart racing movement. I had missed exercising, since my face would become swollen if I ever tried to work out hard. Out of what seemed to be nowhere, one night I noticed my face felt swollen. I could not believe my swelling and pain was coming back! In the past, I would sink into a depression and become faithless, but this time I told the Lord I wanted to be faith filled. Even in the worst pain, I did not want to wish my life away like I had just months before. I wanted to be found faithful.1 Peter 1:7 "so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." Even though in pain, this time He gave me the strength I ASKED for! And incredibly, when I thought I had another resistant bug that was going to erode my body, I found out it was just nerve problems from scar tissue growing back over the nerve. I do have a surgery most likely in the future, but I feel so much peace!!!!!
(wow it is 2:30 am...im going to try to finish up!)
Well, to try and wrap up, long story short....The Lord hinted to me that soon, this time of testing was going to come to an end. I knew he meant the house. It was my original idol. I even told the Lord before a Beth Moore conference that I had no idea how I would have a good time and get closer to Him when He still has not sold the house! I heard Him gently say back to me "Is your love for me conditional? If I withhold selling the house, will you withhold yourself from me?" The words stung my heart so deep. My heart's desire was to love God wholeheartedly, right? I realized in that moment that my love for God was conditional. I starting crying and just said out loud "Lord, I want to be UNCONDITIONAL in my love for you! I am SO sorry I did not see it until now. I love you conditionally...and in your incredible goodness you allowed me to feel this discomfort to realize I was loving you based on what you did for me instead of genuine unconditional love for you. PLEASE. give me unconditional love for you, Lord. THANK YOU FOR NOT ANSWERING MY PRAYERS HOW I EXPECTED, THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING MY TRUEST HEART'S DESIRE AND THAT IS TO LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING. He showed me also that NOTHING that he allows in my life for my harm, but is for my GOOD! Even the worst trials of this life or what evil means to destroy are impossible to not end up for my good! This is a mind blowing truth the Lord is sealing on my heart." Thank you, Jesus. Thank you...
Romans 8:28
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
OH YEAH AND I FORGOT TO MENTION...OUR HOUSE GOT AN OFFER;) OF COURSE, AFTER ALL THIS :*) He let me feel desperate, he let me feel pain, he let my prayers not be answered how I had hoped, so that HE COULD PROVE HIMSELF FAITHFUL AND TRUE. I am amazed at his grace and patience with someone like me. I feel His spirit renewing my mind and I write to you humbled, because now I know more than ever that HE is the one giving me the strength to even love HIM past my flesh. I love you Lord, my strength. Thank you...
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