I Have A Band-Aid Now

      The other day, the kids and I went to the Library to play with the toys and look at books. We had a really good time, but on our way to the car, Evelyn fell in the parking lot and skinned her knee. Later that night, when I tucked her into bed I told her how sorry I was for her that she had gotten hurt, and she just looked at me with the sweetest smile and announced "But, I have a Band-Aid now!" Princesses were staring back at me from her knee, where she had been hurt. She was looking on the bright side and it struck a chord for me deeply. In a way, all of us Blooms have a Band-Aid now. This is our story, how we came to meet the Sunshine baby and how we said goodbye.

             Exactly 40 weeks before our now gone foster daughter was born we were at a CALL information meeting. . The Call is a Christian organization in Arkansas that opens homes of foster parents and encourages them along the way. My husband and I had been praying about what God's next step was for our family. I had ,had two wonderful children, but my pregnancies are very hard, so having another baby was not something we felt peaceful about anymore for a lot of reasons. We next looked into adoption and lastly, into being foster parents. I just wanted to do whatever God wanted me to do. The day we went to the info meeting to become foster parents, my husband and I both clearly heard God tell us to become foster parents. We still had a desire to adopt, but God had a "detour" for us, that we did not expect. I don't specifically believe I was called to foster forever, but that God had a specific little soul for us to care for. I was called to a PERSON, to the most precious little girl. We walked out of the building saying confidently that we knew this was the next step for us. Nine months to the day, we got a call at two in the afternoon that a baby girl was at the hospital and needed a family to stay with.
        The night of our once foster daughter's birth, I couldn't sleep, I was stirred to pray. I had no idea she was being born at the time, I just knew God wanted me to pray for a baby girl and her family. The day she was placed with us, I got a call that afternoon about another child and I said "yes", but in the middle of that call, I got the call for our baby girl. It was like God was telling me I needed to say yes to the second call that was HER and decline the first. My heart raced in anticipation as I felt so wholeheartedly that she was meant for our home. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off grabbing last minute things and then by 4 pm I was waiting on my front door steps. I could see the car driving down our street. I ran up to the curb, my heart completely on  my sleeve. What would she look like? What will this feel like? I have no idea what to expect. The case worker who brought her from the hospital reached in to grab her carseat and then I saw her for the first time. The most beautiful and tiny baby girl I had ever seen, since Evelyn of course.;) Five pounds of innocent sunshine was handed over to me and within twenty minutes the car that had brought her, drove away. I was her "mom" now, we were her family now... For now.
           I was scared for me. I loved her so much more than I ever imagined, my heart grew just seeing her and then it turned out that she ended up being the most delightful baby, a personality summed up in a ray of sunshine. People would hear I was her foster mom and say "wow, I could NEVER do that, it would be too hard." and all I could think was I have no idea how im going to do this! It IS too hard. God will have to prove to be a healer who's grace is sufficient if I would be able to make it through, because in my own strength there was no way. I spent the first month with her crying myself to sleep, never wanting to be apart and during the day being so happy, because she brought joy. I didn't know how I would survive without her. One night I remember talking to my Nana, and she said something that stuck with me. She said: "I have had many moments in life when I wonder how ill survive this, but I always do. God always makes a way."
        Baby girl laughed extremely early and smiled through life. Samuel had an immediate bond with her as well. He said I can have all the babies in the world, but this baby was HIS baby and he's stuck by that, even after she's gone. He was the best big brother to her, and his love hasn't stopped. Evelyn was a sweet sister, but so young she was more jealous for mommy. Samuel claimed baby and Evy claimed mom. :) Logan poured his heart and soul into her, doing most of the night shifts. He is my hero. Very long story short, I spent a lot of the time at the doctor with her. We had not expected a special needs baby, but God gave me all I needed to be the mom of a baby with a lot of special needs. It was not a burden, but a joy. I miss taking her to the doctor, we had so much quality one on one time there. Even the hard stuff, was good. God's grace is enough. 
           Almost seven months later, I got the email that stated the judge was moving custody to someone related to her. No matter how much I know foster care is meant to reconcile, it doesn't make that moment any easier. My heart thumped and eyes burned. Head spinning, I picked her up and started bawling and she started LAUGHING, hysterically. That is so her.:) I kissed her all over her precious little head and she continued to just laugh and laugh. "How Lord, will I survive without this laugh? Will she feel abandoned? Will her laugh go away? She's going to leave the only family she had known. God, let her know how much we love her, let her know we never wanted her to go."I cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore, my mom had to come get the older kids and she cried, too. My cousin Madeline came over with cookies and cheered me up. She helped me get back on my feet that day. There have been a lot of God winks along the way and this was definitely one of them.

          We didn't know exactly when she would leave, so I planned a trip to OKC to see my new nephew at his birth. On my way to the hospital to meet him, I got the news. She would be leaving Monday at 3. My heart raced, I had a flight home on Monday that landed at 2 pm! I felt so out of control, and so shaken. My dad helped me try to move up my flight to Sunday and it was successful. My personality can be both happy and sad all at once. I had an amazing weekend hugging on my baby nephew, and seeing God's gift for our family, a forever nephew was wonderful medicine. On my way to the airport, I got a text that my flight was delayed so long that there would not be a connecting flight until the next day. The weather was ideal, but my particular plane had had some technical difficulties earlier in the day. I was not in control. I had no option, but to leave the next day, the day "my" baby for the past seven months would leave. 
          I decided in that moment I could either accept that God was in control and that he was good, or freak out. My inlaws were at my house helping to pack her things. I ended up choosing not to freak out and hugged on my nephew and spent a lot of time with my cousin, Macy. It was a really fun day. I was able to cry and pray with my parents before bed as well. They said how weird and sad that they were losing one grandbaby as they gained another in one weekend. Joy and sadness side by side. I only got two hours of sleep, because much of my night was spent crying, praying, and talking to Macy. 
             I woke up at 3:30 to catch the earliest flight possible. My dad drove me to the airport and we mourned together the loss of our sunshine baby. All of our hearts were in for pain that was inescapable. We prayed together and he hugged me goodbye, ill never forget the look he had in his eyes. I know he wished he could go with me all of the way, but this was my journey to take alone. And I wasn't alone, at all. God would be there every step of the way. I was in a really long line waiting to go through security. I noticed my dad was still there, sitting on a bench watching me until he saw I had gotten through. It meant so much to me. I read stories about miracles and God's goodness in hardship in the airport and on the plane. Its like everything I needed to hear was everywhere I looked. I got on the plane in the dark, and in the air I watched the entire sunrise. It was a day of new beginnings and reminded me the sun comes after the darkest night and I felt peace sunshine was still there for me in my future even if my sunshine baby was not. 

          I arrived in town and a carload of my three kids by 9 am and Logan picked me up. I kissed sunshine baby all over and she laughed her amazing laugh. I spent several hours packing all of her things. I went to a meeting at the DHS office to discuss details. The relatives were SO kind to me and ended up giving me one more night with her. I smiled as I knew God had known I would have a last night with her afterall, even though my flight could not make it in on Sunday. I was glad I had such a fun Sunday instead of freaking out. I rocked her before bed and sang "God is good, all the time" and she sang with her baby squeals right back. I also sang the country song "You're going to miss this, youre going to want this back, youre going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These were some good times, so take a good look around." and then she was bundled up and asleep. It was her last night with us. I I knew the treasures the past seven months had brought my soul would be a part of me for the rest of my life. I also knew the lesssons I had learned would take a while to fully process, but I keep seeing more and more the beauty of them. 

          Time has a horrible way of going way too fast. Before I knew it, it was morning and her relatives were on the way to our house to get her. I went in to wake her up and there she was, smiling big just like every morning. I sure was going to miss that smile. I hugged on her and got her dolled up for her family. When they arrived we all got a picture together and spent a few emotional minutes exchanging kindness and thanks. Samuel laid beside her carseat as she was being loaded up. He cried "I am not ready!" I wasn't either. We went out to the car and gave her our last kisses and hugs and I love you forevers. Samuel grabbed her hand for dear life and wouldn't let go. I had to take his hand from hers, the most sad part of that day. As quickly as she had arrived as a newborn so many months earlier, she was loaded up in another car heading away. Her relative hugged me so tightly and we cried together. "Thank you for loving her and taking such great care of her." I now know I can say the exact same thing back to them. They have been nothing,but amazing. They saw our sad faces, especially Samuel's and the last thing one of the relatives said to us was "Im going to tell her about Jesus!" And then they drove away. We stood there for a while, just staring at the empty street. "Its just us now, our baby is gone." said Samuel. 

            The last three weeks have been proof that we can make it through things that seem unimaginable. We can love with our whole hearts and mourn and be ok. God's grace is always, always enough. Grace to help us grieve and grace to help us heal. One of the hardest parts was the first night, her empty crib. I know I am not the first or last foster mom who will cry over an empty crib. My sweet babies have needed a lot of love and care. I feel guilty about their pain. I also have prayed and thought a lot about what our family is about and what we want to show our kids as parents. I know I want to show them how to know God and follow his voice. I know I want to show them to love with all of their hearts, despite what may be lost. I know I don't want to shelter them from hardship and pain, but show them who to turn to and how to navigate pain well. And I want to love on them and give them one of the happiest childhoods imaginable. We have been filling our time with fun activities and quality time. We have also talked about Jesus a lot and I have seen their faith life come alive in a new way. Their prayers and stories about Jesus are so precious. Every night they tell stories that start with: "Once upon a time there was, JESUS..." and Evy will say he holds me, Samuel will say he helps me. Samuel also says he makes us all better. 

          God is a healer, and his grace is enough. The only reason we are so sad, is because we have so many beautiful reasons to be happy. The good was so wonderful, it is hard to see that time go. I'll always look back and think about our sunshine baby. All the lesssons we learned and all the memories we made. I still cant process it all fully, but I know more than ever that I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. I want to live with my heart fully on my sleeve. I want to love without limits and dive into the seasons God puts me in. I only have one life to live and I want to live it like I lived it with sunshine baby. Fully. 

We have a Band-Aid now. Our hearts are missing someone so special to us, but also we know that her laugh and smile are in full force at her new home. We have the honor of keeping in touch, so we know truly sunshine baby is spreading her rays of delight with relatives. What a beautiful thing restoration is.