Just One Of Those Nights
It is just one of those nights...
The kind of night that I need perspective.
The kind of night I need my head to be lifted again.
The kind of night I expect a miracle in my heart, because in these weak and broken moments I keep my eyes wide, wondering and waiting... how will you show up, God? I know you will.
This year has been marked by so many miracles and the impossible becoming possible. I think about the many health struggles I have had the past eight years and that finally we have been able to put labels on systemic causes. I love that not only are my doctors getting some clues, but in Counseling classes I am learning about how the body responds to emotions and how every emotion has a physical manifestation. I don't like to feel negative feelings, so many times I have ignored casting my cares and instead stuffed them really, really deep down. I know how to be happy, I know how to get back to stable ground, but what I do not know how to do is to process the hard. Ironically, going to Counseling school has made me face things I never wanted to face and the joke is on me, because I did not even know how hot of a mess I was until now! I am looking myself in the mirror and facing things, because if I do not go there myself, how will I take others? Whenever I walk into that building, I imagine myself with the group of people I will help someday there with me. I am never alone, I am here for them and I am all in this process for them, but I am realizing I am also all in for me. I needed this.
Last Spring I was feeling depressed about health symptoms that felt like such a struggle and fight to overcome everyday. I was really tired of life hurting, does everyone feel THIS tired? Does everyone feel so much pain? I was still grieving the loss of the adoption that didn't work out and trying to pick up the pieces. I was not understanding why opening for foster care was not working out like I thought it should. It felt like my efforts in trying to figure out life were hitting road block after road block. It was the middle of the day, my kids were at school and I thought, I am just going to go take a nap, but that nap was much more than that. It signified a giving up of sorts, I was at a really low place. I was starting to get into patterns of laziness and loss of heart. On my way home I heard so clearly in my mind: "This is not who you are, drive to John Brown! Wake up! This is not who you are!" That day I drove to John Brown and talked to who now is a dear classmate about what it looked like to get into the program. I had tears running down my cheeks as I said: "I can never pass the test to get in." but that day, I got something very special. I got HOPE. After that day, I had a fire in my heart for this vision that hasn't stopped.
The first week of school I had to fast three days, be put to sleep for a diagnostic procedure and go to class the next day. I, of course didn't tell anyone. I felt so alone. I was late to my first class, because I had gotten the time wrong. I wondered if I could really do it. I wondered if I would make any relationships that felt safe and comfortable. It was an awkward stumbling as I realized these people were not just going to teach me how to help other people, but I was going to have to look at my own stuff. I did not get that memo! I am supposed to be strong, make a good impression, so that others would think me capable, right? Is that not what this is? oh...ok... it isn't... yikes.
Yesterday I was in class and got a phone call that Evelyn was inconsolable, so I talked to her for a second and finished the last twenty minutes and told Logan to meet me at an urgent care right after. I was so tired from the two weeks prior of taking care of her and not getting enough sleep. The faces of classmates that were strangers to me the first week of school have become dear friends. I went from hiding a procedure acting like nothing happened, to a place where they know exactly what is happening. We went on the vulnerability road together and there is no going back. I walked out of class and saw my friends and started crying in the middle of the hall, overwhelmed by my own symptoms that day and then my daughter being in such a desperate state. Also, class can be very triggering of past things and that one was for me. I was also hungry, and we were supposed to go eat tacos together, so I may have been literally grieving the tacos, but that is neither here nor there! I was crying!
These beautiful friends of mine surrounded me in a circle as I sat on the ground and let the deep, stuffed, hard things surface. It is really awesome when your friends are aspiring Counselors by the way and you have FOUR surrounding you in a circle! I did not realize that awesome benefit going into this.;) I felt such a release, and a strength return to my bones. I then met Logan at urgent care and when we were through there I called my best friend, Meagan and said: "I need food, I need you!" and she came right over. I struggle with asking for help. I struggle with admitting I am not ok. I struggle with being weak in front of others and fear being vulnerable. I have been forced into it, and its been a messy blubbering situation that is an awkward cleansing flood for me. I am not good at saying what I need. Many times I honestly haven't known what I need.
Spending today at Children's hospital with Evelyn was so much easier than it could have been, because I was cared for so well yesterday. I usually could not have handled being there by myself with her, but I was able to be strong enough to do it myself. Logan was able to keep working, my parents were able to get Samuel, and I was able to be brave for my girl. And I am realizing what I really need a lot is food...food really makes life better. Food is ministry! I am thankful for my food ministers as of late.;)
I don't have a cute bow to tie this post up with. Samuel had a full out panic attack at bedtime, Evelyn is running fever, my hands are shaking and my heart rate is having a hard time slowing down. I have listened to the same worship song THIRTY times today on repeat. I am smiling right now. I am even giggling a little bit... and you know whats so awesome about that? It makes no sense. Joy doesn't have to. I am trusting in the Lord's kindness.That has been my anthem lately. TRUST that he is kind. Trust that he is good. Trust that he loves me more than I can imagine and that all things are working for my good. And remember that group of people that is always with me? The ones I will help someday? Each new experience is growing my empathy and I can't wait to hop in their trenches and understand.
James 1:2-4
The kind of night that I need perspective.
The kind of night I need my head to be lifted again.
The kind of night I expect a miracle in my heart, because in these weak and broken moments I keep my eyes wide, wondering and waiting... how will you show up, God? I know you will.
This year has been marked by so many miracles and the impossible becoming possible. I think about the many health struggles I have had the past eight years and that finally we have been able to put labels on systemic causes. I love that not only are my doctors getting some clues, but in Counseling classes I am learning about how the body responds to emotions and how every emotion has a physical manifestation. I don't like to feel negative feelings, so many times I have ignored casting my cares and instead stuffed them really, really deep down. I know how to be happy, I know how to get back to stable ground, but what I do not know how to do is to process the hard. Ironically, going to Counseling school has made me face things I never wanted to face and the joke is on me, because I did not even know how hot of a mess I was until now! I am looking myself in the mirror and facing things, because if I do not go there myself, how will I take others? Whenever I walk into that building, I imagine myself with the group of people I will help someday there with me. I am never alone, I am here for them and I am all in this process for them, but I am realizing I am also all in for me. I needed this.
Last Spring I was feeling depressed about health symptoms that felt like such a struggle and fight to overcome everyday. I was really tired of life hurting, does everyone feel THIS tired? Does everyone feel so much pain? I was still grieving the loss of the adoption that didn't work out and trying to pick up the pieces. I was not understanding why opening for foster care was not working out like I thought it should. It felt like my efforts in trying to figure out life were hitting road block after road block. It was the middle of the day, my kids were at school and I thought, I am just going to go take a nap, but that nap was much more than that. It signified a giving up of sorts, I was at a really low place. I was starting to get into patterns of laziness and loss of heart. On my way home I heard so clearly in my mind: "This is not who you are, drive to John Brown! Wake up! This is not who you are!" That day I drove to John Brown and talked to who now is a dear classmate about what it looked like to get into the program. I had tears running down my cheeks as I said: "I can never pass the test to get in." but that day, I got something very special. I got HOPE. After that day, I had a fire in my heart for this vision that hasn't stopped.
The first week of school I had to fast three days, be put to sleep for a diagnostic procedure and go to class the next day. I, of course didn't tell anyone. I felt so alone. I was late to my first class, because I had gotten the time wrong. I wondered if I could really do it. I wondered if I would make any relationships that felt safe and comfortable. It was an awkward stumbling as I realized these people were not just going to teach me how to help other people, but I was going to have to look at my own stuff. I did not get that memo! I am supposed to be strong, make a good impression, so that others would think me capable, right? Is that not what this is? oh...ok... it isn't... yikes.
Yesterday I was in class and got a phone call that Evelyn was inconsolable, so I talked to her for a second and finished the last twenty minutes and told Logan to meet me at an urgent care right after. I was so tired from the two weeks prior of taking care of her and not getting enough sleep. The faces of classmates that were strangers to me the first week of school have become dear friends. I went from hiding a procedure acting like nothing happened, to a place where they know exactly what is happening. We went on the vulnerability road together and there is no going back. I walked out of class and saw my friends and started crying in the middle of the hall, overwhelmed by my own symptoms that day and then my daughter being in such a desperate state. Also, class can be very triggering of past things and that one was for me. I was also hungry, and we were supposed to go eat tacos together, so I may have been literally grieving the tacos, but that is neither here nor there! I was crying!
These beautiful friends of mine surrounded me in a circle as I sat on the ground and let the deep, stuffed, hard things surface. It is really awesome when your friends are aspiring Counselors by the way and you have FOUR surrounding you in a circle! I did not realize that awesome benefit going into this.;) I felt such a release, and a strength return to my bones. I then met Logan at urgent care and when we were through there I called my best friend, Meagan and said: "I need food, I need you!" and she came right over. I struggle with asking for help. I struggle with admitting I am not ok. I struggle with being weak in front of others and fear being vulnerable. I have been forced into it, and its been a messy blubbering situation that is an awkward cleansing flood for me. I am not good at saying what I need. Many times I honestly haven't known what I need.
Spending today at Children's hospital with Evelyn was so much easier than it could have been, because I was cared for so well yesterday. I usually could not have handled being there by myself with her, but I was able to be strong enough to do it myself. Logan was able to keep working, my parents were able to get Samuel, and I was able to be brave for my girl. And I am realizing what I really need a lot is food...food really makes life better. Food is ministry! I am thankful for my food ministers as of late.;)
I don't have a cute bow to tie this post up with. Samuel had a full out panic attack at bedtime, Evelyn is running fever, my hands are shaking and my heart rate is having a hard time slowing down. I have listened to the same worship song THIRTY times today on repeat. I am smiling right now. I am even giggling a little bit... and you know whats so awesome about that? It makes no sense. Joy doesn't have to. I am trusting in the Lord's kindness.That has been my anthem lately. TRUST that he is kind. Trust that he is good. Trust that he loves me more than I can imagine and that all things are working for my good. And remember that group of people that is always with me? The ones I will help someday? Each new experience is growing my empathy and I can't wait to hop in their trenches and understand.
James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
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