Change
*Note: I only write these at obscure hours or like today in the middle of listening to baby einstein and stopping for spit up clean ups and every other little thing you can imagine babies might need, so please excuse me if there are run on sentences, grammar mistakes etc! :) One post takes me like 1,000 stops and starts haha! I am not trying to write a book, just thoughts as jumbled as they may be! *
A lot of times in life there is something on my mind that I think is "too small" to talk much to God about. If I am spending time in intercession, shouldn't I pray for something BIG? These "small" things tend to be like a hang nail though, something that hurts and I can't get off my mind. Stuff that affects me every single moment and that is on the top of my mind. I had a rare chance to sit before the Lord and worship by myself two days ago and had a wonderful moment hearing from Jesus. I turned on my apple tv youtube and listened to Hillsong for a brief time that my babies were napping at the same time. I love to worship alone, it is when I really encounter God usually. I feel a little awkward in group worship settings, but still like to be a part. This is probably going to sound weird, but I have decided that I want to be completely honest in all that I write, because I believe someone will gain something from my honesty even if someone else finds me strange.;)
Throughout my life when I have been journaling to God, there have been times where I can feel him wanting to speak to me through writing back. I use different colors for what I am saying and then what He is saying. Usually it starts with my heart beating faster and I get a tingling in my hand and I can sense He wants to say something. I did not grow up in a charismatic church, but the Holy Spirit has worked in me in ways that people might call "charismatic" my whole life. I hate that word, because it has a stigma, but for me the Holy Spirit has revealed himself to me in really unique ways which take me deeper with him and probably make me seem odd to some if I was really really honest about all He has done.;) But, my heart is to know God for who He really is and if it goes outside of the box in my life, I am willing to go there too. Even in my second grade journal I made a poem about Jesus and the last sentence was "The Holy Spirit does not hide his love from me." Anyway, He said to me that nothing is too small for Him and that things that I think are too little, but are big for me, He also thinks are big. He really, really cares about every little thing in my life. He said "Notice me as I take note of every detail of your life. I am in the little and the big in your life already, so call to me and I will answer you."
The thing that has been plaguing my thoughts is my flaw of being unorganized and messy. Ever since I can remember I have always struggled with not being very good at keeping things in order, especially clothes. I also married someone who has the same problem.;) So as you can imagine, things can be very untidy around here. I get very overwhelmed and do not have the common sense about cleaning that someone like my amazingly clean mom has. I also accidentally leave stuff out everywhere I go in my path. I don't even realize it and then look around and think HOW did this happen? If I could watch myself in slow motion I know I would just be shaking my head at my absent mindedness. I lose my keys and phone daily. With two babies and a husband my problem has gotten worse with the clothes situation. Four people to keep up with is a LOT when I could not even keep up with myself. I hate this about me. I almost always have a messy kitchen as well. Dishes left in the sink etc. I know that phases of life happen when I have a newborn baby or we need to be at the pool all day instead of stuck inside;) then things are naturally a little more out of order than usual even for a clean person, BUT I am talking about everyday life. Now that I have a baby that sleeps all night and likes to play, I do not have my old excuses anymore and my flaw comes out all the more. Sometimes I am afraid to change, because then I will have to see how bad things really were. For instance, when I lose my baby weight I dread the comments like "wow you have lost a TON of weight!" It makes me feel bad about how I WAS and how people viewed me then. Now with cleaning, if my house is cleaner, then I will feel bad about how it WAS. I have been praying about my flaw and asking for help and also getting advice from others this week and I am happy to say that for three days my kitchen and house has been CLEAN (other than toys which get picked up now:). I want to have a comfortable place of peace for me and my family to live. I am changing. I refuse to be known as the messy girl anymore. My award for messiest dorm room will not loom over my head any longer! I am thankful that this is big to God and that he is helping me change. Without him, I know I could not do it. There is a stiky note above my sink that says "No dishes left in sink!" and this phrase is HOPE! I am changing. I am becoming better. Thank you, Jesus!
A lot of times in life there is something on my mind that I think is "too small" to talk much to God about. If I am spending time in intercession, shouldn't I pray for something BIG? These "small" things tend to be like a hang nail though, something that hurts and I can't get off my mind. Stuff that affects me every single moment and that is on the top of my mind. I had a rare chance to sit before the Lord and worship by myself two days ago and had a wonderful moment hearing from Jesus. I turned on my apple tv youtube and listened to Hillsong for a brief time that my babies were napping at the same time. I love to worship alone, it is when I really encounter God usually. I feel a little awkward in group worship settings, but still like to be a part. This is probably going to sound weird, but I have decided that I want to be completely honest in all that I write, because I believe someone will gain something from my honesty even if someone else finds me strange.;)
Throughout my life when I have been journaling to God, there have been times where I can feel him wanting to speak to me through writing back. I use different colors for what I am saying and then what He is saying. Usually it starts with my heart beating faster and I get a tingling in my hand and I can sense He wants to say something. I did not grow up in a charismatic church, but the Holy Spirit has worked in me in ways that people might call "charismatic" my whole life. I hate that word, because it has a stigma, but for me the Holy Spirit has revealed himself to me in really unique ways which take me deeper with him and probably make me seem odd to some if I was really really honest about all He has done.;) But, my heart is to know God for who He really is and if it goes outside of the box in my life, I am willing to go there too. Even in my second grade journal I made a poem about Jesus and the last sentence was "The Holy Spirit does not hide his love from me." Anyway, He said to me that nothing is too small for Him and that things that I think are too little, but are big for me, He also thinks are big. He really, really cares about every little thing in my life. He said "Notice me as I take note of every detail of your life. I am in the little and the big in your life already, so call to me and I will answer you."
The thing that has been plaguing my thoughts is my flaw of being unorganized and messy. Ever since I can remember I have always struggled with not being very good at keeping things in order, especially clothes. I also married someone who has the same problem.;) So as you can imagine, things can be very untidy around here. I get very overwhelmed and do not have the common sense about cleaning that someone like my amazingly clean mom has. I also accidentally leave stuff out everywhere I go in my path. I don't even realize it and then look around and think HOW did this happen? If I could watch myself in slow motion I know I would just be shaking my head at my absent mindedness. I lose my keys and phone daily. With two babies and a husband my problem has gotten worse with the clothes situation. Four people to keep up with is a LOT when I could not even keep up with myself. I hate this about me. I almost always have a messy kitchen as well. Dishes left in the sink etc. I know that phases of life happen when I have a newborn baby or we need to be at the pool all day instead of stuck inside;) then things are naturally a little more out of order than usual even for a clean person, BUT I am talking about everyday life. Now that I have a baby that sleeps all night and likes to play, I do not have my old excuses anymore and my flaw comes out all the more. Sometimes I am afraid to change, because then I will have to see how bad things really were. For instance, when I lose my baby weight I dread the comments like "wow you have lost a TON of weight!" It makes me feel bad about how I WAS and how people viewed me then. Now with cleaning, if my house is cleaner, then I will feel bad about how it WAS. I have been praying about my flaw and asking for help and also getting advice from others this week and I am happy to say that for three days my kitchen and house has been CLEAN (other than toys which get picked up now:). I want to have a comfortable place of peace for me and my family to live. I am changing. I refuse to be known as the messy girl anymore. My award for messiest dorm room will not loom over my head any longer! I am thankful that this is big to God and that he is helping me change. Without him, I know I could not do it. There is a stiky note above my sink that says "No dishes left in sink!" and this phrase is HOPE! I am changing. I am becoming better. Thank you, Jesus!
Girl. I struggle with the same thing and I'm single with no children! I can't even imagine what it's going to be like when I get married so GRACE to you.
ReplyDelete