Restored
The last time I posted on my blog about our life personally was last Summer. It was the one called "I have a bandaid now". It was a raw and bitter sweet time. We were in a place where our hearts were needing to be healed as we missed our foster daughter. Another baby came into our life, but its been too hard to write about, until now.
In the months following sunshine baby's absence, every night as I would fall asleep, I felt like my soul was searching for someone, like someone was missing. It was a really hard feeling, because I knew that it didn't have to do with sunshine baby, but with another one. My heart started really being drawn to adoption, the goodbye of sunshine baby showed me all the more that our family was in a place that adoption seemed like the best thing to do. One afternoon, I got a call about a baby boy who was needing a long term placement. He had been put up for adoption by a loving mother who felt her life wasn't in a good place. The papers weren't signed, but a court date was a few weeks away. As far as anyone knew, this would go smoothly. I knew that this was a legal risk, because mom could change her mind before then or even the day of, but it was a risk I wanted to take. I had ten minutes to decide if we were going to go get him or not and my heart pounded as I felt in my heart, "this is my son, this is who my soul has been searching for." We sat the kids down and talked to them about it and prayed together. We were all in unison that we wanted him to come home to us. Within thirty minutes of the call about him, I was at the hospital doors. My veins felt like they might explode as my heart pounded and I walked toward nicu to hold "my" baby. "Oh you're here for the adoption baby, come on back." I peeked through the door and there he was. I knew without a doubt this was the one my soul had been searching for. Other beds were surrounded by balloons, stuffed animals, special blankets and special clothes, but this precious little bed, with my precious little son was barren other than a little bunny that the neighboring family gave to him. He looked JUST like me. It was the moment I had expected with both of my bio babies, but they had surprisingly not looked like me much at all. :) But, this time, my baby looked exactly how I imagined. I put him in clean clothes, wrapped him up and held him for hours. "You're not alone anymore, mommy's here, mommy's here." I said kissing every inch of his sweet little face. It seemed to be something incredible on the horizon, this was the happiness after heartache. Or so I thought...but this time of a family of five would only last two months. Although, anyone with a newborn knows that eight weeks is an eternity with a new one. After all, it is their whole life. Court rolled around and mom had changed her mind. I don't blame her, I don't blame her one bit. He is the best little son a mother could wish for. He is a treasure, and he will always in a way, be my son.
I grieved again. I cried harder than I ever have. Its like the floodgates of it all just gave in and I had to fully feel the weight of it. I felt like my heart was full of holes and that my tears that wouldn't stop were representing it. I wondered if I would ever feel whole again. And then, something incredible did happen. As days turned into weeks, I experienced the miracle of a healed heart, a restored soul, and renewed joy. I write now as a heart restored! :) Our "son" left at the very end of September, and since then God has been at work making all things new for us. Thanksgiving was very hard, because as everyone had their families together, I thought of the little daughter we had the year before, and now the son that was supposed to be there. At Christmas, the grandkids of my family all wore matching monogrammed pajamas, but one pajama set my sweet mother bought would never be worn. We were missing a grandchild, a cousin, a son we planned on having for the holidays both this year and forever. Even so, Christmas ended up being one of the best ones yet. God gave us so much joy and the season seemed nothing short of magical for the kids. Their ages and personalities truly made it the best year yet!
On New Year's Day as I was praying about resolutions and what the new year would hold, I felt very strongly lead to this verse as the theme for our family in 2017:1 Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I have felt this truth become real in my everyday life so incredibly.
We have spent these months becoming "us" again. The four Blooms. :) We are not just ok, we are joy filled and the care free spirit I love about our house is back in full BLOOM. I don't know how long this season will last, but im taking in the restoration with all my heart. We grieved deeply and now its time to laugh until our stomachs hurt! Its time to be content, to be thankful for the blessings we have and have had. To see the beauty in the pain, and the redemption in the healing of our hearts.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about the babies God gave me for a time, not a day goes by that I don't pray for them. They have my whole heart and they always will. But that doesn't mean my heart has to always be broken, they hold my heart, not in pieces, but in fullness. Thank you, Lord for restoration! You are the restorer of my soul!
“He restores my soul…” -Psalm 23:3
In the months following sunshine baby's absence, every night as I would fall asleep, I felt like my soul was searching for someone, like someone was missing. It was a really hard feeling, because I knew that it didn't have to do with sunshine baby, but with another one. My heart started really being drawn to adoption, the goodbye of sunshine baby showed me all the more that our family was in a place that adoption seemed like the best thing to do. One afternoon, I got a call about a baby boy who was needing a long term placement. He had been put up for adoption by a loving mother who felt her life wasn't in a good place. The papers weren't signed, but a court date was a few weeks away. As far as anyone knew, this would go smoothly. I knew that this was a legal risk, because mom could change her mind before then or even the day of, but it was a risk I wanted to take. I had ten minutes to decide if we were going to go get him or not and my heart pounded as I felt in my heart, "this is my son, this is who my soul has been searching for." We sat the kids down and talked to them about it and prayed together. We were all in unison that we wanted him to come home to us. Within thirty minutes of the call about him, I was at the hospital doors. My veins felt like they might explode as my heart pounded and I walked toward nicu to hold "my" baby. "Oh you're here for the adoption baby, come on back." I peeked through the door and there he was. I knew without a doubt this was the one my soul had been searching for. Other beds were surrounded by balloons, stuffed animals, special blankets and special clothes, but this precious little bed, with my precious little son was barren other than a little bunny that the neighboring family gave to him. He looked JUST like me. It was the moment I had expected with both of my bio babies, but they had surprisingly not looked like me much at all. :) But, this time, my baby looked exactly how I imagined. I put him in clean clothes, wrapped him up and held him for hours. "You're not alone anymore, mommy's here, mommy's here." I said kissing every inch of his sweet little face. It seemed to be something incredible on the horizon, this was the happiness after heartache. Or so I thought...but this time of a family of five would only last two months. Although, anyone with a newborn knows that eight weeks is an eternity with a new one. After all, it is their whole life. Court rolled around and mom had changed her mind. I don't blame her, I don't blame her one bit. He is the best little son a mother could wish for. He is a treasure, and he will always in a way, be my son.
I grieved again. I cried harder than I ever have. Its like the floodgates of it all just gave in and I had to fully feel the weight of it. I felt like my heart was full of holes and that my tears that wouldn't stop were representing it. I wondered if I would ever feel whole again. And then, something incredible did happen. As days turned into weeks, I experienced the miracle of a healed heart, a restored soul, and renewed joy. I write now as a heart restored! :) Our "son" left at the very end of September, and since then God has been at work making all things new for us. Thanksgiving was very hard, because as everyone had their families together, I thought of the little daughter we had the year before, and now the son that was supposed to be there. At Christmas, the grandkids of my family all wore matching monogrammed pajamas, but one pajama set my sweet mother bought would never be worn. We were missing a grandchild, a cousin, a son we planned on having for the holidays both this year and forever. Even so, Christmas ended up being one of the best ones yet. God gave us so much joy and the season seemed nothing short of magical for the kids. Their ages and personalities truly made it the best year yet!
On New Year's Day as I was praying about resolutions and what the new year would hold, I felt very strongly lead to this verse as the theme for our family in 2017:1 Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I have felt this truth become real in my everyday life so incredibly.
We have spent these months becoming "us" again. The four Blooms. :) We are not just ok, we are joy filled and the care free spirit I love about our house is back in full BLOOM. I don't know how long this season will last, but im taking in the restoration with all my heart. We grieved deeply and now its time to laugh until our stomachs hurt! Its time to be content, to be thankful for the blessings we have and have had. To see the beauty in the pain, and the redemption in the healing of our hearts.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about the babies God gave me for a time, not a day goes by that I don't pray for them. They have my whole heart and they always will. But that doesn't mean my heart has to always be broken, they hold my heart, not in pieces, but in fullness. Thank you, Lord for restoration! You are the restorer of my soul!
“He restores my soul…” -Psalm 23:3
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