Room To Rise
I have met the end of myself lately and let me tell you it is NOT pretty. I feel like a little kid who was running and fell on their face mid skip. It is amazing how good I can believe I am in my own strength when my needs are being met. Sleep, food, self-care, friend time, family time etc. when it gets stripped from me in intense measures I become a shell of who I thought I was. Short- tempered, argumentative, angry, selfish, overly sensitive and more start to come out in every direction. It is times like these that I look to Jesus and say: "It is time for you to show off!"
This morning, the kids were really hard to get off to school and we are so tired from our recent ordeal, so morning is not an optimistic thing for me right now. It is a heavy weight I try to open my eyes to and then think, naw, please go away sun! Night, I love you, I want you. I have to admit my soul is feeling a little bit of that as well. I feel like I am trying to come back to the land of the living after the blur of sick kids and keeping up with school. Newness has worn off and the grind keeps coming full swing even if we aren't ready. The hope-filled doe eyed self of mine starting off my journey to become a Counselor has worn off. I am feeling weak in my dependence and need of people who have more knowledge than me, but life is busy and my questions unending, one just leads to another. The reality of achieving something like this is making the sound of a ticking clock instead of crashing waves of wonder. My child-like faith is feeling naive, but fighting to remain. I am the type of person that gets my hopes up. I get my hopes up when God opens the door for something I did not think was possible and when he puts a fire in my heart, the wonders I believe I will see are as high as the sky. As I look back on things God has called me to he does show up in miraculous ways, but every single road is also paved with disappointment and set backs. I believe that there is a reason for this. I believe he is giving me room to rise.
The quote: "Room to Rise" keeps playing over and over in my head. And a picture of the phoenix in Greek mythology. It is a bird that bursts into flame and becomes ashes and from the ashes a brand new baby bird is born. I have seen my soul do this on repeat throughout life. I get to places of brokenness, heartache, discouragement, disillusionment, and confusion. Other times I am just so, so tired. One of the gifts God has given me throughout my life is a child-like faith and heart that reforms back to where it was, even after my fears occur or someone hurts me deeply. I seem to break, and wonder if I will ever return to that innocent form, and I do, but I am also wiser, deeper, stronger. People usually misunderstand it for naivety, but it is very fought for and on purpose. I am not hiding myself from the darkness of the world, in fact I am running right into it head on. But, somehow, someway a miracle has happened time and time again. From my ashes, another "bird" is born and ready to fly with exceeded energy and new hope. I am just not the kind of person who keeps my head down and "makes it." Each set back gives me room to rise. Maybe I fall, maybe someone pushes me down or discourages me, but time and time again I live a miracle as I look to the sky, brush myself off and start skipping again. Like the Psalms, I speak to my soul "Why are you so downcast? I put my hope in the Lord! I will praise him again."
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This morning, the kids were really hard to get off to school and we are so tired from our recent ordeal, so morning is not an optimistic thing for me right now. It is a heavy weight I try to open my eyes to and then think, naw, please go away sun! Night, I love you, I want you. I have to admit my soul is feeling a little bit of that as well. I feel like I am trying to come back to the land of the living after the blur of sick kids and keeping up with school. Newness has worn off and the grind keeps coming full swing even if we aren't ready. The hope-filled doe eyed self of mine starting off my journey to become a Counselor has worn off. I am feeling weak in my dependence and need of people who have more knowledge than me, but life is busy and my questions unending, one just leads to another. The reality of achieving something like this is making the sound of a ticking clock instead of crashing waves of wonder. My child-like faith is feeling naive, but fighting to remain. I am the type of person that gets my hopes up. I get my hopes up when God opens the door for something I did not think was possible and when he puts a fire in my heart, the wonders I believe I will see are as high as the sky. As I look back on things God has called me to he does show up in miraculous ways, but every single road is also paved with disappointment and set backs. I believe that there is a reason for this. I believe he is giving me room to rise.
The quote: "Room to Rise" keeps playing over and over in my head. And a picture of the phoenix in Greek mythology. It is a bird that bursts into flame and becomes ashes and from the ashes a brand new baby bird is born. I have seen my soul do this on repeat throughout life. I get to places of brokenness, heartache, discouragement, disillusionment, and confusion. Other times I am just so, so tired. One of the gifts God has given me throughout my life is a child-like faith and heart that reforms back to where it was, even after my fears occur or someone hurts me deeply. I seem to break, and wonder if I will ever return to that innocent form, and I do, but I am also wiser, deeper, stronger. People usually misunderstand it for naivety, but it is very fought for and on purpose. I am not hiding myself from the darkness of the world, in fact I am running right into it head on. But, somehow, someway a miracle has happened time and time again. From my ashes, another "bird" is born and ready to fly with exceeded energy and new hope. I am just not the kind of person who keeps my head down and "makes it." Each set back gives me room to rise. Maybe I fall, maybe someone pushes me down or discourages me, but time and time again I live a miracle as I look to the sky, brush myself off and start skipping again. Like the Psalms, I speak to my soul "Why are you so downcast? I put my hope in the Lord! I will praise him again."
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