Sound Of A Breaking Heart
This morning I woke up with a sense of heaviness, but I was not sure why. Something was stirring in my spirit in a way I felt like I was about to hear something that would take me back to the place of feeling my heart break inside my chest. Today was a happy day, these feelings felt unexplainable, even so they were going nowhere, so I decided to lean into them. I was able to spend alone time with God for about an hour just searching out my feelings and I just said in my raw state: "If there is a way I can give you my heart even more, I will. I trust you, I love you, I do not know why I am in so much need of your refuge this morning, but here I am hiding in your presence and that is all I know to do." I prayed through Psalm 91:"This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." And leaned into that verse wholeheartedly, but I really did not know why I would need to in that moment. It would not be until hours later that I would understand why my soul was feeling on the cusp of being crushed. God was preparing my heart for another blow in the place I feel most tender...the safety of children.
I found out a child I have loved and watched grow had been severely abused/neglected. There was no going back from how bad it was, so they went into foster care. My heart shook as I thought of their smiling face, innocent heart and laughter. My eyes stung as I swallowed the news, my imagination running wild with what those days of trauma must have been like. I stopped in my tracks, knowing clasping onto the darkness in my imaginings would not take me anywhere, but a place of drowning. I needed to grieve and pray into what I did know...that child was hurt, confused, in a new place with new people, and there was a family who took her in to safety that I do not know the names of. Whoever you are, from the bottom of my heart- thank you.
In that moment I thought: "What am I even doing? I am working my hardest to get a degree that will press into the darkness of these situations even more! Will this feeling of helplessness and even the brink of hopelessness follow me through my entire calling?" All I could hear was the sound of my breaking heart. I sat in silence, my hand over my mouth, eyes wide. My earlier words to the Lord came rushing back: "If there is a way I can give you my heart even more, I want to..." In pieces is all I have to offer today were my resounding thoughts. And I heard in return: "I want all your pieces, I will help you grieve and I will help you heal. I make all things new. You can give me this new broken heart, one you have not had before."
I can give the sound of a breaking heart today, I can give my pieces broken anew. I can give my discouragement, my helplessness, my tears. What will they be changed into in your hands, Lord?
Something healed, something beautiful, something that will fuel me to keep going, something miraculous, a fire that will keep me waking up and working hard to someday get to help more kids heal and connect/ trust again. Through this ache, I give my heart more than I had to give before. Make a miracle out of me, Jesus.
I found out a child I have loved and watched grow had been severely abused/neglected. There was no going back from how bad it was, so they went into foster care. My heart shook as I thought of their smiling face, innocent heart and laughter. My eyes stung as I swallowed the news, my imagination running wild with what those days of trauma must have been like. I stopped in my tracks, knowing clasping onto the darkness in my imaginings would not take me anywhere, but a place of drowning. I needed to grieve and pray into what I did know...that child was hurt, confused, in a new place with new people, and there was a family who took her in to safety that I do not know the names of. Whoever you are, from the bottom of my heart- thank you.
In that moment I thought: "What am I even doing? I am working my hardest to get a degree that will press into the darkness of these situations even more! Will this feeling of helplessness and even the brink of hopelessness follow me through my entire calling?" All I could hear was the sound of my breaking heart. I sat in silence, my hand over my mouth, eyes wide. My earlier words to the Lord came rushing back: "If there is a way I can give you my heart even more, I want to..." In pieces is all I have to offer today were my resounding thoughts. And I heard in return: "I want all your pieces, I will help you grieve and I will help you heal. I make all things new. You can give me this new broken heart, one you have not had before."
I can give the sound of a breaking heart today, I can give my pieces broken anew. I can give my discouragement, my helplessness, my tears. What will they be changed into in your hands, Lord?
Something healed, something beautiful, something that will fuel me to keep going, something miraculous, a fire that will keep me waking up and working hard to someday get to help more kids heal and connect/ trust again. Through this ache, I give my heart more than I had to give before. Make a miracle out of me, Jesus.
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