Old Insecurities and some new

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Growing up in my teenage years all the way up until I met Logan in college freshman year I struggled with severe acne. It isn't one of those things I'm exaggerating or thought was bad and really wasn't, it truly in all honesty was just a very severe case of acne. The pain physically and emotionally that it caused me was deeper than I can find words to say and it was only the power of God that could heal my pain. I got on the drug accutane and it changed my skin to almost perfect and changed my life in a way! Even after my skin was clear I had deep scars that were a constant reminder of what had been there. Thanks to my mom and aunt Sabrina i was able to get skin regeneration called fraxile three times which was painful, but so worth the result of no scars! I used to not look in a mirror when i washed my hands, afraid to look at the imperfections that stared back at me. It is amazing to be able to confidently look in a mirror and find clear skin when for so many years that was only a dream that the most beautiful girls got to live out, not me. Those old emotions have recently flooded back as pregnancy has caused my old imperfection of acne to come back in a smaller, yet still painful way. I am left realizing my heart hasn't fully been healed, but only band aided by clear skin and now I face my old foe. I find myself feeling less worthy of love, afraid to be seen, and insecure. How can I say the Lord is my
Confidence when I am faced with the reality that my confidence came from something in my outer appearance? This is very humbling for me to realize and I find myself kneeling before the Lord asking that I find my worth only in HIM. Having a loving husband like Logan who always says I'm beautiful is incredible, but if I don't find my worth in Christ I don't have the strength to believe that it is true. Along with the acne comes the inevitable weight gain. Ugh. It feels like I'm bigger each day, yet it doesn't look cute yet, just looks like weight gain. I've always had goals to be smaller,but now that I'm bigger than ever I am really struggling with self consciousness. I can't find my worth in what I look like, but in what the Lord thinks about me! I feel like I'm back in junior high feeling awkward and unsure again...I need a renewed mind as I go through these hard changes that will in the end bring the most precious person into the world! (or people bc I'm still hoping for twin boys) I need to get past my own selfishness and just be thankful and secure in the blessings God has given me! Outward imagine should never determine how much worth I have, and I pray the Lord gives me a renewed mind to live in truth!

Comments

  1. jodyFebruary 16, 2011 at 1:29 PM

    Thank you for sharing this Molly! Thank you for your honesty, isn't it crazy how these little insecurities (well, we thought they were little) can crop up?
    I think I am going to write something about pregnancy and being pregnant on my blog... you inspired me. :)
    I have a friend who struggled with her skin in high school and I remember how difficult that was for her. Praise the Lord that He brings us through places of pain so that we will trust in Him more.
    I love you friend! I will be praying for you in this time. :)

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